10% Done!
This is just a quick update. I'm getting ready to leave for radiation treatment number 3 of 30, which puts me at 10% of the way done. I won't lie, it's already looking like this might be a long six weeks. Some on and off nausea has already hit and I can just feel a slight overall funk. Doctors say most of the side effects won't kick in until 2-3 weeks though... so let's hope those aren't significant. I have to be honest though, I'm actually excited about an excuse to rock a mullet wig when camp rolls around, that's one side effect i'll have no problem conquering.
Small Change in Plans
Today I had a couple more appointments with an oncologist and my neurosurgeon. In my last post I had mentioned that this tumor, while benign, is capable of spreading or re-occurring within the spinal cord and brain. Since my tumors had already spread up as high as my neck via the spinal cord, there was concern that down the road the tumor would likely re-occur in my brain. Today, however, we learned that the tumor has already gotten there.
The good news is that the two tumors on my brain are very small dots and were not easily recognized at the first look. Also, this tumor is still very treatable and radiation is expected to kill them without complication. The only change will be the inclusion of my brain in the radiation treatments, which increases the risk of dangerous side effects slightly, but the doctors are still very optimistic. The other benefit is that this radiation will help work as a preventative agent so that the tumors will be less likely to regrow in in the brain. Today was the first day in awhile where things have been presented clearly and comprehensively. It is a relief to not have so many unknowns. This is still a weird situation for me and my family, but I am confident God is in control and he will continue to bring me peace and joy in the midst of everything (he's pretty sweet like that). Thanks again for your love and support!
The good news is that the two tumors on my brain are very small dots and were not easily recognized at the first look. Also, this tumor is still very treatable and radiation is expected to kill them without complication. The only change will be the inclusion of my brain in the radiation treatments, which increases the risk of dangerous side effects slightly, but the doctors are still very optimistic. The other benefit is that this radiation will help work as a preventative agent so that the tumors will be less likely to regrow in in the brain. Today was the first day in awhile where things have been presented clearly and comprehensively. It is a relief to not have so many unknowns. This is still a weird situation for me and my family, but I am confident God is in control and he will continue to bring me peace and joy in the midst of everything (he's pretty sweet like that). Thanks again for your love and support!
The Latest - April 20
I apologize to all of my friends who haven't heard from me in awhile and especially everyone in South Korea! I realized that I haven't updated since surgery so I figured I would fill you all in. I miss my friends in South Korea and today I was really craving some South Korean food, but I had to settle for Arby's. Before I get to the details, I just wanted to let you know that I appreciate all of the support i've gotten from everybody. It's been really encouraging to know that so many people are praying and thinking about me. I haven't really been in contact with anyone since I got home because I've spent a lot of time just trying to recover from surgery and all of my adventures. To be honest I just haven't felt very social, but it's definitely been a good time of recharging and resting. So if you feel hurt that I haven't contacted you or responded to your messages and comments, know that I got them and it's nothing personal, its just been a long and exhausting couple of weeks.
Last Monday the 12th was my surgery to remove the main tumor that was located on the end of my spinal cord. They chose to remove it because it posed the most danger being on the spinal cord. The surgery was a success and that tumor was almost completely removed (It's impossible to get every little particle of it). Recovery was slow at first and rough because of some of the side effects, but I have been walking on my own for a couple of days and weaning off of the pain meds so things are good as far as recovery goes.
That leaves me with one larger tumor in my lower back and a series of very small tumors dotting my spinal cord higher up. Our game plan as of right now is 4-5 weeks of daily radiation treatment starting within a couple of weeks. This radiation will hopefully kill the tumors which will prevent them from growing and hopefully shrink them.
While that all seems straight forward, we are far from being finished with this tumor. This is an uncommon type of tumor and while it is by definition benign, it is able to move around within the cord. My case was presented before a board of Akron area doctors because it's an uncommon case. The good news is that radiation consistently proves to be very effective treating this type of tumor, but the bad news is we will probably be chasing this tumor for a long time to come.
I have a few more appointments on Thursday, so hopefully at that point we will know more about what we're facing, The most pressing issues right now are spiritual strength and a good attitude during my upcoming treatment and recovery. This experience has helped me to grow in so many ways already so I know God will keep showing me new things as I seek Him out. Also pray that this tumor stays put and out of my brain. There have been a couple of instances where that has been discussed and it is a very real possibility. That's just creepy to think about...
You guys all rock, I miss my South Korean friends but am grateful to be home with my awesome family and friends. I will make an effort to respond to people trying to get a hold of me so I hope to hear from some of you soon!
Quick Update
For all who are interested, this is the most recent update. I arrived home fine Tuesday at 6:00pm in Cleveland and my parents picked me up. (side note: if you ever fly, avoid Dulles in DC if at all possible, worst major airport ever made) I chilled out at home and ate some "traditional American food" compliments of my mom. The next morning we saw a doctor in Akron. He had performed a couple of minor surgeries for me before and knew my mom so he offered to help us through the process. After a roller coaster day at the hospital and nearly 2 hours of MRI scanning, the current diagnosis is some word that is way to big for me to remember. Basically, there is one primary tumor on the end of my spinal cord and a bigger chunk of tumor in my lower back. The one on the spinal cord is the most dangerous, but the one in my lower back is causing most of the pain. The game plan is to have surgery to remove the main tumor on the end of my spinal cord because it's in the most dangerous location, and then I will have about 6 weeks of daily radiation treatment to shrink the one in my lower back so that it is no longer painful. Fortunately, they believe the tumor is benign so there shouldn't be a need for any chemotherapy treatments. After this process we will have to monitor my back with regular MRI scans because the main tumor "burst" at some point and spread small pieces of the tumor up my spinal cord. As long as we watch them they should not be dangerous, but if any grew rapidly we would have to go get them as well.
This is my understanding of what the doctor said and this is all preliminary diagnosis. After the surgery, they will analyze to tumor to see what type it is. All in All, the doctor believes this to be very treatable and he has done this same surgery before. The only bummer is that we will more than likely be chasing these tumors indefinitely. Surgery is scheduled for Monday at 11:00am (or Tuesday at midnight on Korean Time). There are some big dangers with this surgery, so pray for some good hands for the doctor as he's doing his thing! After surgery I will have a couple days of recovery in the hospital then a few weeks of chill time. Thanks for all your prayers and support, I really have felt the encouragement of everyone in a huge way!
- Patrick
Twists and Turns
Sometimes things in life take weird twists and turns. Sometimes, circumstances play themselves out in ways we could have never imagined. Sometimes, these twists and turns leave you scratching your head only to realize that there are no easy answers to life and God's movement within it. His ways are far beyond ours and though it is commonly our first reaction, we would be fools to assume that we know what is best for ourselves in spite of what God does. We have a habit of seeing ourselves as big, important and as the center of the universe. We use logic, reason and rationale to explain the things around us and to bring order to our world.
But what happens when that order gets flipped upside down. What happens when we can't, even with our best logic, explain why God would choose to act in a certain way. When Haiti is devastated by an earthquake, when our best friend is killed in a freak accident, or when a person we love turns their back on God. Suddenly our logic cannot explain God's actions, and we face an enormous decision. We have the choice to make someone big, and someone small. Life demands an explanation, but this time, both sides can't be right.
Choice #1 is to make ourselves big. We trust our understanding of the world and our finite mind and are bold enough to presume that when a puzzle doesn't fit together with the pieces we have, that the puzzle is flawed. When God's action don't measure up with our understanding of love, we assume that God is the dependent variable. God is the one whose actions must live up to OUR definition of love and goodness. Because after all, we are fairly spoiled, decently wealthy, comfort loving, generally apathetic, American's who have a very complete understanding of true, genuine, Agape love... right? I mean sure our divorce rate is a little on the high end and we enjoy suing someone rather than talking about it, but we really do know a lot about love. More than some crazy God that destroys towns and kills people who disobey... right? When things don't line up, our first thought tells us that we in fact are big, and God is small. We define God and act as though he owes us an explanation.
Choice #2 is to make ourselves small. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't come easy, and it certainly doesn't line up with what the world is telling us. However, this is exactly where the bible leads us. The book of Psalms radiates God's incredible love, power and goodness. It echo's reverence and a position of humility before a God who is infinitely wiser and more loving than we can comprehend. Choosing to be small is a choice to stop demanding answers, to stop making the rules and to stop expecting to understand everything that happens in this life. When we become small, we begin to see just how big God is, and we can learn to rest in uncertain circumstances because we know that our logic and understanding don't need to be satisfied. We will never have all the answers, but life isn't about answers, it's about the way we live it and the heart we approach it with.
On Saturday, April 3, 2010, my life took a significant turn that has left me scratching my head. Upon visiting a doctor in Seoul about some nagging back pain, an MRI revealed a tumor on my spinal cord. At first the news did not register, but after seeing the MRI's for myself and listening to my roommate translate for the doctor, I realized that this was for real, and some significant changes were going to follow.
As I write this I am sitting in my dorm room in South Korea, surrounded by some really great roommates and a door full of amazing people who have showered me with support. Tomorrow morning I will be flying back to the States to begin a journey of getting healthy. It may take a month or it may take a year, but regardless, it is far from anything I could have predicted. Already, I have felt God's presence in a new way, and I have been presented with a choice. A choice to be big, or to be small. It is not an easy thing to do, but I am choosing to focus on reality. In comparison to God and all of His magnificence and goodness, I am really, really small. Everyday I have to remember that he is in control, and the tumor in my back serves as a reminder that I have very little control over life. I could accuse God of being unfair, or unjust in His love for me, but already I can feel His love in spite of the circumstances. The joy and peace offered by God is accessible regardless of circumstance, and it is far beyond the joy or peace we can find anywhere else in this world. I can soak in the selfish pleasure of being big, or live in the joy of being small.
Thank you for you love, support and prayers. I look forward to seeing you all when I get back. Please understand that I will want a few days to process, re-acclimate and get things figured out, so don't be offended if you don't hear from me or see me. It's off to Akron!
- Patrick
Chiak Mountain - I Can't Go On I'll Go On
For those of you who don't understand the title, pick up a copy of Bandslam. We watched it while eating delicious chicken on our first annual roommate night. If you aren't sure what this movie is, i'll just tell you that it falls somewhere between High School Musical and School of Rock (I enjoyed one and refuse to even watch the other, i'll let you figure out which). Anyways it was an enjoyable night even if the film choice didn't exactly capture my complete attention
The band name in the movie (I can't go on i'll go on), gives the most fitting description of our experience last weekend on Wonju's Chiak Mountain. It all started with my roommate Sung Jun suggesting that we go hiking on Saturday. Of course I loved the idea and since it was supposed to be a nice day Sung Jun suggested that we climb Chiak mountian in the National Park. On the internet it said the hike was about 2 and a half hours to the top, so we figured that would make for a nice little day trip. At 9:30am, we put on our jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes and headed out into some nice Spring weather. The sun was shining with a few clouds in the sky and the temperature was supposed to hit 50 later in the day. We arrived at the mountain and started climbing around 11am. The trail head said that our path was a distance of 5.4 Km to the top. That translates to just over three miles. As we started hiking a trail similar to that of the Gorge in Akron, I thought to myself "There is no way this will take 2.5 hours, this is going to be a cake walk..." Looking back I was only right about one thing, it didn't take 2.5 hours.
After about 40 minutes, we came to a bridge that crossed over a section of the creek and discovered a sign that said it was only 2.7 km to the peak. In case you're too lazy to do that math, that is half way to our destination. We had been gradually increasing in elevation, but there were still towering mountains on either side of us, and I was beginning to wonder if the view from our "mountain" would even put us in the position to see over the other real mountains. Thats when things went downhill... or more literally, uphill. The moment we crossed the bridge we were faced with a looming flight of stairs that continued into the heavens. Not really, it was just a really long flight of stairs, followed by another long flight of stairs, followed by a strip of rocks lined with steal cable's to grab onto as you cross because the drop off was so steep.
After crossing the narrow rock ledges and climbing the rope to the top of a large boulder, we realized there was a little bit of snow left on the ground. It was more annoying than anything, but it was proof that we were gaining altitude. Larger mountains still loomed around us and for the rest of our hike it always looked like we were almost to the top. However, every time we got to the top of a section, it revealed another large section yet to climb.
After a good hour of exhausting climbing over rocks, stairs and muddy paths, we arrived at another distance sign. We fully expected to be almost to the top, but strangely our sign read, "Birobong Peak - 2.2 km." There have been few moments I can remember that were as disheartening reading that sign. An hour of hard hiking / climbing had only gotten us 0.5 km after we trekked through 2.7 in 45 minutes. By that point there was a thin layer of slushy snow covering a lot of the ground, but the path was still mostly mud. Another climber, who was decked out in North Face climbing gear, informed us that we still had over an hour to the summit. By this point I had noticed numerous hikers loaded with day packs and extreme gear, but I figured it was because they climb regularly or they have the money to blow on fancy gear.
As we pressed forward our obstacles become more imposing and the snow continued to get deeper and more widespread. Long, steep, uphill sections lined with ropes, winding steep staircases, and more weird boulder sections made up the rest of the hike. As we climbed higher, I noticed that not only were we in the minority with our jeans and tennis shoes, we were actually the only ones not decked out from head to toe with expensive hiking jackets, snow pants, hiking poles, hiking boots with metal spikes, and daypacks with meals and hot water. By this point people were giving us strange looks and Wooseok's low-top converse shoes were completely soaked. I still don't know why, but we continued on...
Finally we got to a spot that was .5 km away. A group camped out there had made lunch and shared some food with us as well as hot coffee. By now there was about 6-7 inches of snow on the ground and everything was covered with snow. We could see where the summit was, but not the actual summit because there was a cloud resting over it. A large group came by and recommended that we turn around, but we had not come that far to stop short of the top.
Exhausted, soaked and unsure how we would get down, we arrived at the top of the mountain after 3+ hours of climbing. At a modest 2188m, the mountain gave us the view we had hoped for as it overlooked all the other peaks in the park. We took some pictures and to our great pleasure, we watched as the cloud moved off of our mountain and opened up an incredible view. More people shared their rations with us and took our picture before we headed back down. The way down only took 2.5 hours as we discovered we could use our flat bottomed shoes as skies and hold onto the ropes in a crouched position and simply slide down the most of the mountain paths. It was really fun and only moderately unintelligent.
I'm sure there's more to the story, but the pictures will have to do. If you ever find yourself climbing a mountain, swimming across an ocean, biking across a country, or anything else extreme; remember this phrase inspired by Dui from Bandslam, "I can't go on, i'll go on."
The band name in the movie (I can't go on i'll go on), gives the most fitting description of our experience last weekend on Wonju's Chiak Mountain. It all started with my roommate Sung Jun suggesting that we go hiking on Saturday. Of course I loved the idea and since it was supposed to be a nice day Sung Jun suggested that we climb Chiak mountian in the National Park. On the internet it said the hike was about 2 and a half hours to the top, so we figured that would make for a nice little day trip. At 9:30am, we put on our jeans, sweatshirts and tennis shoes and headed out into some nice Spring weather. The sun was shining with a few clouds in the sky and the temperature was supposed to hit 50 later in the day. We arrived at the mountain and started climbing around 11am. The trail head said that our path was a distance of 5.4 Km to the top. That translates to just over three miles. As we started hiking a trail similar to that of the Gorge in Akron, I thought to myself "There is no way this will take 2.5 hours, this is going to be a cake walk..." Looking back I was only right about one thing, it didn't take 2.5 hours.
After about 40 minutes, we came to a bridge that crossed over a section of the creek and discovered a sign that said it was only 2.7 km to the peak. In case you're too lazy to do that math, that is half way to our destination. We had been gradually increasing in elevation, but there were still towering mountains on either side of us, and I was beginning to wonder if the view from our "mountain" would even put us in the position to see over the other real mountains. Thats when things went downhill... or more literally, uphill. The moment we crossed the bridge we were faced with a looming flight of stairs that continued into the heavens. Not really, it was just a really long flight of stairs, followed by another long flight of stairs, followed by a strip of rocks lined with steal cable's to grab onto as you cross because the drop off was so steep.
After crossing the narrow rock ledges and climbing the rope to the top of a large boulder, we realized there was a little bit of snow left on the ground. It was more annoying than anything, but it was proof that we were gaining altitude. Larger mountains still loomed around us and for the rest of our hike it always looked like we were almost to the top. However, every time we got to the top of a section, it revealed another large section yet to climb.
After a good hour of exhausting climbing over rocks, stairs and muddy paths, we arrived at another distance sign. We fully expected to be almost to the top, but strangely our sign read, "Birobong Peak - 2.2 km." There have been few moments I can remember that were as disheartening reading that sign. An hour of hard hiking / climbing had only gotten us 0.5 km after we trekked through 2.7 in 45 minutes. By that point there was a thin layer of slushy snow covering a lot of the ground, but the path was still mostly mud. Another climber, who was decked out in North Face climbing gear, informed us that we still had over an hour to the summit. By this point I had noticed numerous hikers loaded with day packs and extreme gear, but I figured it was because they climb regularly or they have the money to blow on fancy gear.
As we pressed forward our obstacles become more imposing and the snow continued to get deeper and more widespread. Long, steep, uphill sections lined with ropes, winding steep staircases, and more weird boulder sections made up the rest of the hike. As we climbed higher, I noticed that not only were we in the minority with our jeans and tennis shoes, we were actually the only ones not decked out from head to toe with expensive hiking jackets, snow pants, hiking poles, hiking boots with metal spikes, and daypacks with meals and hot water. By this point people were giving us strange looks and Wooseok's low-top converse shoes were completely soaked. I still don't know why, but we continued on...
Finally we got to a spot that was .5 km away. A group camped out there had made lunch and shared some food with us as well as hot coffee. By now there was about 6-7 inches of snow on the ground and everything was covered with snow. We could see where the summit was, but not the actual summit because there was a cloud resting over it. A large group came by and recommended that we turn around, but we had not come that far to stop short of the top.
Exhausted, soaked and unsure how we would get down, we arrived at the top of the mountain after 3+ hours of climbing. At a modest 2188m, the mountain gave us the view we had hoped for as it overlooked all the other peaks in the park. We took some pictures and to our great pleasure, we watched as the cloud moved off of our mountain and opened up an incredible view. More people shared their rations with us and took our picture before we headed back down. The way down only took 2.5 hours as we discovered we could use our flat bottomed shoes as skies and hold onto the ropes in a crouched position and simply slide down the most of the mountain paths. It was really fun and only moderately unintelligent.
I'm sure there's more to the story, but the pictures will have to do. If you ever find yourself climbing a mountain, swimming across an ocean, biking across a country, or anything else extreme; remember this phrase inspired by Dui from Bandslam, "I can't go on, i'll go on."
Let the Studying Begin
Well there hasn't been too much going on recently other than classes and one on one's with the Korean students in the GV program. I woke up this morning to about 4 inches of snow after a few days of 50 degrees... apparently Korea isn't that different from Ohio after all. Fortunately its going to be almost 60 this weekend. I'm playing lots of soccer and hanging out with a lot of the GV students which is very cool. Me and two of my roommates climbed a mountain on Saturday, and believe me when I call it a mountain. I'll give a full update on that adventure with pictures later, but I will say now that we were the only people on that mountain wearing tennis shoes, jeans and casual sweatshirts... and it wasn't to our advantage.
We learned the Korean alphabet this week in class so I can now sound out Korean words and spell my name in Korean. I got really excited about it at first until I realized that sounding out a word is still pretty far from having any clue what it means... but hey, its a step in the right direction.
Okay that is really brief, but maybe on Friday or Saturday i'll update in full. Peace
We learned the Korean alphabet this week in class so I can now sound out Korean words and spell my name in Korean. I got really excited about it at first until I realized that sounding out a word is still pretty far from having any clue what it means... but hey, its a step in the right direction.
Okay that is really brief, but maybe on Friday or Saturday i'll update in full. Peace
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