Twists and Turns

Sometimes things in life take weird twists and turns. Sometimes, circumstances play themselves out in ways we could have never imagined. Sometimes, these twists and turns leave you scratching your head only to realize that there are no easy answers to life and God's movement within it. His ways are far beyond ours and though it is commonly our first reaction, we would be fools to assume that we know what is best for ourselves in spite of what God does. We have a habit of seeing ourselves as big, important and as the center of the universe. We use logic, reason and rationale to explain the things around us and to bring order to our world.

But what happens when that order gets flipped upside down. What happens when we can't, even with our best logic, explain why God would choose to act in a certain way. When Haiti is devastated by an earthquake, when our best friend is killed in a freak accident, or when a person we love turns their back on God. Suddenly our logic cannot explain God's actions, and we face an enormous decision. We have the choice to make someone big, and someone small. Life demands an explanation, but this time, both sides can't be right. 

Choice #1 is to make ourselves big. We trust our understanding of the world and our finite mind and are bold enough to presume that when a puzzle doesn't fit together with the pieces we have, that the puzzle is flawed. When God's action don't measure up with our understanding of love, we assume that God is the dependent variable. God is the one whose actions must live up to OUR definition of love and goodness. Because after all, we are fairly spoiled, decently wealthy, comfort loving, generally apathetic, American's who have a very complete understanding of true, genuine, Agape love... right? I mean sure our divorce rate is a little on the high end and we enjoy suing someone rather than talking about it, but we really do know a lot about love. More than some crazy God that destroys towns and kills people who disobey... right? When things don't line up, our first thought tells us that we in fact are big, and God is small. We define God and act as though he owes us an explanation.

Choice #2 is to make ourselves small. It doesn't make sense, it doesn't come easy, and it certainly doesn't line up with what the world is telling us. However, this is exactly where the bible leads us. The book of Psalms radiates God's incredible love, power and goodness. It echo's reverence and a position of humility before a God who is infinitely wiser and more loving than we can comprehend. Choosing to be small is a choice to stop demanding answers, to stop making the rules and to stop expecting to understand everything that happens in this life. When we become small, we begin to see just how big God is, and we can learn to rest in uncertain circumstances because we know that our logic and understanding don't need to be satisfied. We will never have all the answers, but life isn't about answers, it's about the way we live it and the heart we approach it with.

On Saturday, April 3, 2010, my life took a significant turn that has left me scratching my head. Upon visiting a doctor in Seoul about some nagging back pain, an MRI revealed a tumor on my spinal cord. At first the news did not register, but after seeing the MRI's for myself and listening to my roommate translate for the doctor, I realized that this was for real, and some significant changes were going to follow.

As I write this I am sitting in my dorm room in South Korea, surrounded by some really great roommates and a door full of amazing people who have showered me with support. Tomorrow morning I will be flying back to the States to begin a journey of getting healthy. It may take a month or it may take a year, but regardless, it is far from anything I could have predicted. Already, I have felt God's presence in a new way, and I have been presented with a choice. A choice to be big, or to be small. It is not an easy thing to do, but I am choosing to focus on reality. In comparison to God and all of His magnificence and goodness, I am really, really small. Everyday I have to remember that he is in control, and the tumor in my back serves as a reminder that I have very little control over life. I could accuse God of being unfair, or unjust in His love for me, but already I can feel His love in spite of the circumstances. The joy and peace offered by God is accessible regardless of circumstance, and it is far beyond the joy or peace we can find anywhere else in this world. I can soak in the selfish pleasure of being big, or live in the joy of being small. 

Thank you for you love, support and prayers. I look forward to seeing you all when I get back. Please understand that I will want a few days to process, re-acclimate and get things figured out, so don't be offended if you don't hear from me or see me. It's off to Akron!

          - Patrick